I really need some serious help...

[lonely]

I’ve been married for over 6 years. For the first 4 years, everything went fine in our marriage.  A couple of years ago, I found out that he was looking at porn, which I felt was cheating. I confronted him, and he changed his ways, treating me with more respect, etc. life went on, for awhile. Last year, I found out that he was cheating on me with a girl at his work. After many promises, and changing, mostly on my part (as he claimed that it was MY fault he was cheating because I wasn’t paying enough attention to him, etc.) things changed. Now I suspect that he is cheating on me again. He has gotten a little better at hiding it, but he is acting just like he did when he was first cheating. I need help. You all seem like you have your heads on straight, and I’m in need of advice, and soon. I’ve thought of leaving him, but I don’t’ believe in divorce. Please help!

[KathyW]

lonely,

I'm not a regular here at all, but your post caught my eye.

First of all, cheating may be a symptom of a lot of things wrong in a relationship - but it is always the person doing the cheating who has made the final choice to cheat. They're the ones that have to do the 'changing' , before anything else in the marriage can go forward.

I'm not a counselor, just have had unfortunate experience(not directly with cheating).

I don't believe in divorce, either, and I don't believe that infidelity necessarily spells the end of a relationship - IF - and that's a big if - the cheating party is willing to look at their part in it - and if you're both willing to invest lots of time and energy to renewal.

From what you've written, it doesn't seem like your h has much motivation right now to stop cheating. One thing I can be pretty sure of - your 'changing' will not be the motivation for him to stop.

And a reminder - HE's the one who has broken your marriage vows. He can explain that away all he likes - but that's the truth. Untill he accepts that, I don't believe there's any way forward.

[PK]

I agree with everything KathyW said.

His changes don't last long because you've shown him that you'll always accept him and be there for him. To be frank, he doesn't respect you so therefore its easier for him to cheat on you. You don't cheat on people you love and respect. It's that simple.

If the problem is what he says (you're "not showing him enough attention") then he needs to communicate that to you in another way (i.e., NOT by hurting you and NOT by breaking your trust).

It's great that you don't believe in divorce, but it sounds as though he is taking advantage of your beliefs. There comes a time when you need to think about yourself and how much you can handle before enough is enough. Do you love yourself and respect yourself? Do you ever think you'll be able to trust this man again? Do you want to be in a relationship that doesn't have trust?

[Pat52]

When men get married, they expect their wives will never change, yet they do.
When women get married, they figure they can change their husbands, but they can't.

"After many promises and changing on your part", it doesn't sound like he is respecting your beliefs.

It may benefit you both to seek professional counseling. If you can't talk him into it, go alone.

[Ginafish]

Have you asked him if he is cheating again? Or just suspicious? It sounds like you don't feel like he's trustworthy one way or the other, and I agree with Pat52, get professional counseling, either through a reference by your general physician, or through a trusted pastor, rabbi, whichever...

[ZeroG]

I don't know you or your situation well enough to offer any quality help, but I can give you some things to think about.

You didn't mention you had any children together, if you do, then this is totally different discussion. I'll assume you don't.

You have to get him to the point where he can talk openly about this. You'll never get anywhere if he becomes defensive. Also, you need to show that you understand, and you forgive him. Once his defenses are down, you can actually talk with him, perhaps like you once did when you were dating and newly married.

You'll know when he is not hiding anything anymore, and he has really opened up and receptive to the love you are giving him. Of course, it might not work, and then you can move on, but at least you will feel like you gave it every chance possible. And don't feel like you are supporting his actions by forgiving him, or you are giving up ground, or showing weakness. You are not his mom who is scolding him, or his judge and jury. You are the person who loves him despite of his mistakes.

Once you get him to open up, and start talking about his desires and things in life that make him happy, you will figure out what to do. But you have to get to that point first.

[Stasven]

By what you've written, it would appear as though your husband has no respect for you. If he really did love you, he'd talk to you before resulting to such extremes like cheating. If he does it again, I don't know what you could do.

You said you don't believe in divorce, but how can you live with someone who lies to you constantly, and who doesn't love and respect you? Maybe he might be able to see you again, like the way he fell in love with you. Maybe just try some bonding, and show him that you really care. Maybe then he'll rethink himself and his relationship with you. 

[Sunshine]

I'm sorry, but you are not the problem. No matter how or what you change about yourself he will always come up with another fault with you. This is, in his mind (sick as it is) his way to justify his own actions. And you may not believe in divorce but, in his mind and actions he has already divorced you. He is just not man enough to tell you.
Why don't you pack his bags put them on the front porch and tell him to go live with the other woman. Let them live together 24/7, let her have to wash his clothes, cook, clean and everything else he requires of you and then, when he wants to just have some fun, tell him he can call you and see if you want to get together with him.
The only reason he doesn't want a legal divorce, it would hit him in the bank account. And a man will sell his soul to the devil (which he has already done by having an affair) before he will part with his money.
That's the bottom line. You deserve better, a person that will love you and honor you and your marriage. The Bible says that adultery is grounds for a divorce and sad as it is, what you have is not a marriage. There is a life after a divorce.

[In2Kermit]

I love how you put that Sunshine. I haven't seen Lonely around, but hopefully she'll read this. I couldn't agree more about your advice. You could hire a private investigator, and make sure and present the info to him. Oh, even better, have the pictures taken, and if it does turn out he's cheating, you pack his bags and put the pictures on top of the bags, so that he knowz that you know. You don't deserve to be treated like this, and adultry is grounds for divorce. You have to think about you and your health. What if he gets an STD from the affair, and passes it on to you? Just something to think about

[lagger]

I think Heather has got it wrong here. Hiring a private investigator would worsen your relationship and cost you a lot of money. Here is my advice. Look within yourself, and think long and hard about whether you still love him despite his womanising. If not, then you need to confront him directly, and divorce I am afraid to say, is the only sensible option. Now I don't know you, but i know if i still loved someone even if i knew or suspected they were cheating, then no matter how much i wanted to, i couldn't divorce, and would have to try again. have a long think, and see what answer you come across.

[In2Kermit]

The only reason that I suggested a private investigator was the fact that she's not sure if he's cheating. She said so in the post below. She only suspects. If she has valid reasons that he is, she still is only going on what she suspects. What if she is wrong? Then she is throwing away her relationship based on something that she thought was going on. I know that if it was me, I would be wondering if I had done the wrong thing, because I didn't have proof. Maybe he is acting weird, but maybe it's just him. Or maybe he is cheating. I wouldn't do anything unless I was sure

[Pat52]

I wonder if lonely disappeared from Isara or got the answer she was looking for.

[Sunshine]

Marriage is a commitment not a contract. Love between two people is unconditional. It's not I'll love you if---. It's not having to fill someone elses needs. It's compassion, respect, sharing, trust, consideration, faithfulness, lifting each other up, and reaching out and giving back to each other.
Your husband doesn't know what love is or what he has in having you as his wife.
He is like the man exploring caves by the seashore. In one of the caves he found a canvas bag with a bunch of hardened clay balls. It was like someone had rolled clay balls and left them out in the sun to bake.
They didn't look like much to him, but they intrigued the man, so he took the bag out of the cave with him. As he strolled along the beach, he would throw the clay balls one at a time out into the ocean as far as he could. He thought little about it (as your husband does you). But then he dropped one of the clay balls and it cracked open on a rock. Inside was a beautiful, precious stone! (I want you to know and not forget,That Is You).
Excited, the man started breaking open the remaining clay balls. Each contained a similar treasure. He found thousands of dollars worth of jewels in the 20 or so clay balls he had left. Then it struck him. He had been on the beach a long time. He had thrown maybe 50 or 60 of the clay balls with their hidden treasure into the ocean waves. Instead of thousands of dollars in treasure, he could have taken home tens of thousands, but he had just thrown it away.
It's like that with your husband. When he looks at you he only sees an external clay vessel that to him doesn't look like much from the outside. He sees you as not always beautiful or sparkling, so he discounts you. He sees you as less important than someone more beautiful or stylish or exciting and fun. He has not taken the time to find the treasure (that you are) hidden inside. He doesn't have any idea what a brilliant gem he has (in you) and could very possibility lose.
He may well find out one day, that he has thrown away the most precious thing in his life, (a wife that truly loved him), because she was hidden in bits of clay and he neither cared enough nor took the time to peel the clay away.
What a loss for him.
And the saddest thing is, he won't realize it until he has lost it.
So, I really need some serious help.
I for one want you to know, that you are a great treasure, a beautiful sparkling gem and your worth ?  PRICELESS