Family troubles

[GabzillaSnuffles]

Okay. So I'm having problems with my mom and my sister. My parents are divorced so my dad's no longer in the picture.


Well, let's see, it could just be a case of teenage drama, but I'm not quite so sure.


My mom AND my sister love to, let's see, ignore my position on any given topic.


For instance, a family friend just gave us a TON of beautiful expensive purses.

I for one, am HAPPY that she would even think of getting us ANYTHING, let alone anything so nice.




Unfortunately (for my mom and sister), I'm a tom-boy and I can't stand wearing purses. Okay, I can deal with one of the ones she bought me, but I can't see myself wearing the other one that's the size of a canoe. Is it wrong to not like a present? Is it wrong to not want to wear a purse that I wouldn't be comfortable wearing? Is it wrong to say, "I'm not sure what I'm going to use this for. You guys can have it."?


All of a sudden, my mom and my sister bust out the "you should appreciate things more" speech.


I don't know what to do. I can never seem to get my opinion or my ideas across to them and its incredibly frustrating.

I also hate how she thinks I'm doing something bad. Just now, my mom apparently saw all my things outside of my bathroom. I was cleaning it up all day just so she wouldn't be mad. No, she decides to come to me and ask, "What happened?" like as if I did something wrong and I was cleaning up the evidence or something.

Now she's accusing me of throwing away a plastic box that I haven't thrown away yet. I never even planned to throw it away. Its just sitting there because I had no where else to put it while I was cleaning.





I need help. I've done EVERYTHING I could think of. I've tried confronting them, but they choose to remain ignorant to anything I say. I've tried writing them a note, still they remain oblivious.


I just can NOT seem to get to them. At all. No matter what I do.




I've even gone to the extremes to get their attention. I ran away once just to see if they'd finally pay attention. No. NOTHING. I know running away was a stupid idea, but I was in an unstable state of mind and that was the only option that my naïve mind saw at the time.






Any advice? Please?


Oh and all of this was just in the past half hour. Had I been able to remember ALL of the incidents like this, I'd probably freeze your computer.

[thartley]

Hi GabzillaSnuffles!  I am not sure how old you are, but I am the mom of a daughter who is going on 20 yrs old.  YET, she and I still have some of the issues you are writing about, and more often than I'd care to admit. 

First, don't run away.... You might have done it with the intention of remaining safe until you got their attention, but when you leave the safety of "home", you are leaving yourself open to some possibly very bad circumstances.  So, dont do that.    Plus, it sort of undermines the notion that you are maturing as you grow older, which is something you need in order to foster the kind of trust from the people around you that you will come to expect to have later.

On the purses, my daughter has never carried a purse... EVER.  You seem to be clearly appreciative of the fact that your friend gave your family such wonderful gifts as the expensive purses.  But if you do not carry purses, I dont see the issue anyone would have with you not carrying one of THOSE.  It seems that your mom and sister are taking issue with you not seeming to be appreciative of the gift more than not wanting to use them?  I am not sure.  But you might choose one of them as your own to hold onto for "special occasion" use.  (All women dedicate a portion of their closet space to such items, whether or not the items are ever used! haha!)  Then make a point to thank the friend who gave the purses to your family.  Do that in front of your mom and sister if possible, on the phone perhaps?  Sometimes, with my own daughter, she might say she doesnt like something or want something that has been given to us, and what I hear is something totally different.  It would not have been the best situation if you said you didnt want the purses in front of the friend.  That would have embarrassed your mom (trust me).  Just make it clear to your friend that you do appreciate the gift, and then select one for the "just in case" moments in life.

On the accusations of doing something bad....  hmmm.... For some reason, it seems that they expect this sort of behavior from you on some level, warranted or not, and so asking you about the missing box is the first thing they think to do, instead of looking to see if it has been placed somewhere else.  Not sure what the big picture is, but over time, when they see that you are not "guilty" of these things, the habit of expecting it to be your doing will pass, and new thinking patterns will replace those in their minds.  Just be patient with them, and when they ask you about things such as the plastic box, respond calmly to their concerns, and show them the box is still there.  Do your best to be calm, though.  I personally, would LOVE it if my daughter thought to clean the bathroom at all, whether a box went missing, or the whole bathroom sink! 

I hope this helps......

[Ginafish]

If you take thartley's advice to select a purse to put away then you might want to consider asking your mom and sister, which of these purses would you like me to chose from? And then, even if the purse you 'kinda' like isn't among them, pick another purse you could live with toting around for one day. If someone else already has dibs on the purse you sort of like, then they might think you are being inconsiderate by taking away their choice of that purse just so you can make a point. (am I making sense?)

It's like this:
You don't like cookies. Your neighbor brings over 3 dozen cookies and there are seven varieties. The only one you remotely like is chocolate chip. But you are on a diet and are going to stick to your guns and not eat even a single cookie. But your family wants you to say thank you for the cookies. After all, the neighbor didn't KNOW you were on a diet so you should say thanks. And then, you feel forced to pick up some cookies to show how happy you are that they are in the house. But you know your sister is allergic to nuts, no one in the house likes raisins, and in fact, your family is about to dive into the chocolate chip cookies and eat them all. It'd be silly for you to declare the chocolate chip cookies are the only ones you will even hold. So be the bigger person and pick up a few raisin  or ones with nuts. It's the path of least resistance and hopefully will allow this subject to drop. 

As for this all being an issue of teenage drama, don't worry, here at Isara we will read about it and try to respond best we know how. Parents and kids get into tricky waters during the teenage years, and some of us have been there, others are still going through it like yourself (either as the parent or the younger person). This is the Feel Good Forum, so if we can't offer advice, at least we can point you in the direction of a goofy picture or fun game that will temporarily take your mind off it.

[GabzillaSnuffles]

Thanks guys. I'll keep all of this in mind next time. I really really appreciate all of the advice.